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Listicle To Validate What You Already Know

DSLR Picture of Millenial Doing Something Related to Article Topic

Happy girl dancing and listening music

General intro styled to sound like a kid who didn’t read the book. End with a chummy question: “HAHA, ladies, wine/mommy-hood/health/generic mental health advice not tailored to the individual or life circumstance/murder/fashion– am I right?”

Weird box with Tweetable Quote!

More weird boxes so you can ‘Connect!” 

(Connect WHAT, exactly? No one really knows. But we need to say it–relentlessly and with forced cheer.)

  • Now for the bullet points

break down conventional wisdom with boring examples that reader already knows they won’t do

ex: stay hydrated by drinking water

  •  Make sure they’re bold

include some deeply uninteresting anecdote so the reader forgets they’re just a cog in the content-mill machine, baby. with time, the author will too.

please note: italics make people read things. Even if they don’t require emphasis.

  • Need white space, cause people can’t read

this is actually smart. its way easier to read things that are properly spaced. I don’t have anything to complain about here. credit where credit is due.

NON SEQUITUR PIC #2

Two colleagues working in a busy call centre office.

  • Vaguely quote a semi-recent study, but only if you can do it without context

Don’t worry about the source, content, or date of publication. In fact, don’t even bother with academic journals or Google Scholar. Or just completely make it up! Who cares? Just hit your word count by any means necessary.

 

Author Bio – Two true facts followed by one zany observation and/or one-liner.

your choice of:

  1. a) professional headshot
  2. b) blurry overly-filtered icon
  3. c) standard-issue logo, further proving that the author doesn’t actually want to be associated with what they just did to us

My Dying Wishes on the 101

  • Bury me with all my leotards, and move my rigor-mortised fingers into heaviest of metal signs
  • supply one (1) life-size paper mache model of rihanna at my funeral. instead of candy, fill it with flash drives of ‘Boy Problems’ by Carly Rae Jepson
  • funnel my ashes into all of my beloved’s pepper sprays, where i may blind and burn their enemies forevermore